I have been needing to blog for the last few days. Mostly a venting blog. My last week has been terribly hard, it just seems everything is pilling up. I have been putting off the blog because I wasn't sure how to write it. I don't want to complain, I just need it all to make sense in my head. And tonight while I was thinking about this blog many thoughts have come to my head. Things that I want to share with you. These thoughts aren't purely my own, but I am hoping they will help you as they are helping me.
Like I said this last week has been hard. Monday and Tuesday morning have been the hardest mornings dropping Porter off so far. While I drive away each day I think WHY? Why am I doing this to Porter, to my family? Why am I doing this to me? My next train of thoughts are feelings of abandoment and guilt. I know he is in good hands and he loves being at his grandmas, but at the same time I can't help but think.. "I'm his mother, I should be making sure he is taking naps and getting enough sleep, I should be making sure he is eating healthy and getting what he needs, I shouldn't be slinking this natural motherly instinct of mine onto someone else".
I have still not been able to come up with the answer to my why questions, I don't know if I will know why until after I am done school. But I do find comfort and peace in my dissicion when I prayfully ponder it. I know that this is where I need to be right now. However hard it may be.
To my second train of thought, that is truely the hardest for me. I have had other trials in the past that I think are strongly contributing the this train of thought, the abandonment feelings and guilt. It wasn't until my visiting teaching sisters came over to see me that I was enlightened. They shared with me a link on youtube that I will be quoting quite a bit, it is by Elder F. Enzio Busche and I suggest you ALL listen to it. Up lifting talk
He says "When you are physically sick, tired, and in dispair, steer your thoughts away from yourself and direct them, in gratitude and love toward God."
I heard that and I thought its true, this isn't about me, I can't be feeling sorry for myself and having these thoughts. I will never make it through this year with thinking like that. I need to think bigger, beyond me and my selfish wants and desires. There is a bigger plan out there for me that is sometimes hard to keep in focus.
I have, over these last few days, seen strength that I never thought I had. Moments when it was the last straw and I thought, "I can't do this, please, I need help." and on these occasions when I ask for that help, I was able to make it past mental break down stage (just barely and not without shedding a few tears, I might add but I made it) and accomplish the things I needed to get done. I could definetly use more GRATITUDE in my life.
Busche also says " Embrace this day with an enthusicatic welcome, no matter how it looks." I just love that. I love it so much I may print it and frame it in my house. Maybe right above my door leaving my room. Or above the mirror in my bathroom. So I can look at it every morning and remember this day will be what I make it.
Life is all about perspective. "In your life there has to be challenges, they will either bring you closer to God and therefore make you stronger, or they can distroy you." It's really all up to you. As hard as this is going to be and I know it will probably get worse before it gets better, I am not going to let this distroy me.
There is one last thing that Busche says that I just wanted to quote and comment on, "God knows better than you what you need. He always attempts to speak to you. Listen, and follow the uncomfortable suggestions that he makes to us, everything will fall into place." He is right, and I know this, I have faith that if I am diligant and faithful, my life will fall into place, prayers will be answered, unrecongnisable strength will be adminastered and I will receive Joy in my successions.
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| I will dry your Tears |
