My Enlightenment

I have been needing to blog for the last few days. Mostly a venting blog. My last week has been terribly hard, it just seems everything is pilling up. I have been putting off the blog because I wasn't sure how to write it. I don't want to complain, I just need it all to make sense in my head. And tonight while I was thinking about this blog many thoughts have come to my head. Things that I want to share with you. These thoughts aren't purely my own, but I am hoping they will help you as they are helping me.

Like I said this last week has been hard. Monday and Tuesday morning have been the hardest mornings dropping Porter off so far. While I drive away each day I think WHY? Why am I doing this to Porter, to my family? Why am I doing this to me? My next train of thoughts are feelings of abandoment and guilt. I know he is in good hands and he loves being at his grandmas, but at the same time I can't help but think.. "I'm his mother, I should be making sure he is taking naps and getting enough sleep, I should be making sure he is eating healthy and getting what he needs, I shouldn't be slinking this natural motherly instinct of mine onto someone else".

I have still not been able to come up with the answer to my why questions, I don't know if I will know why until after I am done school. But I do find comfort and peace in my dissicion when I prayfully ponder it. I know that this is where I need to be right now. However hard it may be. 

To my second train of thought, that is truely the hardest for me. I have had other trials in the past that I think are strongly contributing the this train of thought, the abandonment feelings and guilt. It wasn't until my visiting teaching sisters came over to see me that I was enlightened. They shared with me a link on youtube that I will be quoting quite a bit, it is by Elder F. Enzio Busche and I suggest you ALL listen to it. Up lifting talk

He says "When you are physically sick, tired, and in dispair, steer your thoughts away from yourself and direct them, in gratitude and love toward God."

I heard that and I thought its true, this isn't about me, I can't be feeling sorry for myself and having these thoughts. I will never make it through this year with thinking like that. I need to think bigger, beyond me and my selfish wants and desires. There is a bigger plan out there for me that is sometimes hard to keep in focus.

I have, over these last few days, seen strength that I never thought I had. Moments when it was the last straw and I thought, "I can't do this, please, I need help." and on these occasions when I ask for that help, I was able to make it past mental break down stage (just barely and not without shedding a few tears, I might add but I made it) and accomplish the things I needed to get done. I could definetly use more GRATITUDE in my life.

Busche also says " Embrace this day with an enthusicatic welcome, no matter how it looks." I just love that. I love it so much I may print it and frame it in my house. Maybe right above my door leaving my room. Or above the mirror in my bathroom. So I can look at it every morning and remember this day will be what I make it.

Life is all about perspective. "In your life there has to be challenges, they will either bring you closer to God and therefore make you stronger, or they can distroy you." It's really all up to you. As hard as this is going to be and I know it will probably get worse before it gets better, I am not going to let this distroy me.

There is one last thing that Busche says that I just wanted to quote and comment on, "God knows better than you what you need. He always attempts to speak to you. Listen, and follow the uncomfortable suggestions that he makes to us, everything will fall into place." He is right, and I know this, I have faith that if I am diligant and faithful, my life will fall into place, prayers will be answered, unrecongnisable strength will be adminastered and I will receive Joy in my successions.

I will dry your Tears

First half week of school

School has started! Am I happy about it? Not particularlly. I am happy that I am furthering my education and finishing what I started ( for those who don't know I had started the 2 year LPN program and took a year off to stay home with Porter for his first year ). I am not happy however to be leaving Porter everyday. The first day was definetly the hardest. Dropped him off at my mom's and shed a few tears on the way to my first class. Porter was FANTASTIC while I was gone, which made me feel so much better. And my classes are interesting, so that I am sure will help speed the process along.
Now I must try to remember all that I learned the first year I was there. I felt a little lost this week as they were using terms I hadn't heard in a while. I did remember some things!! YAY me!
I also was able to meet some new people and make some friends, that is always fun!
I'm sure I will have an emotional rollercoaster of blogs over the next year due to school.


On a DIFFERENT note, I had totally neglected my posting duties this summer. Tiny bit of guilt there...
We had an awesome summer!  Lots of playing outside, Swimming, and naps in random places. Our dog Winnie also had pups in July, that was so much fun. Porter just loved playing with the puppies! Porter turned 1 just a few weeks ago! He is growing up so fast. His personality is developing and it is so fun to watch. He is so smart, which may also be to my down fall in the future. ha ha
My goal is to get better at my blogging, wish me LUCK!

The perfect mother and son day!

Porter and I spend everyday together and we always have fun, but today was something special. There was no where that we needed to be, nothing that crucially needed to get done in the house so I was able to focus all my time on Porter. I came to better appreciate the special boy he truly is and impact he has on my life, or more accurately, the finger prints he leaves behind.
We went for a walk in the morning and played at the park for a bit. Mostly Porter just likes to throw the rocks, occasionally they go in his mouth...
After getting home and realizing Porter wasn't going to nap I decided to give him a bath while I did my hair. He LOVED it. He is my little fish. Any chance he gets to touch, feel, grab, sit in and splash with water he is doing it. Usually he only gets baths right before bed so we made this a special "day" bath that included lots of bubbles!! After all that watery fun, it was nap time!
We decided to go shopping, just my Porter and me. There was no rush so we left when we left and we got there when we got there! We even got to rescue a friend on a way home who's car had died! It always feels good to help someone in need.
For supper we ate breakfast!! Probably my favorite thing to do. I am in love with breakfast. So we ate waffles with fresh fruit and whipping cream from a can. I showed porter how it squirts out, and even squirted it in his mouth (he thought that was pretty neat). Next we went on a relaxing walk in the still blazing heat! Then bed time!!
As I was cleaning up our breakfast for supper I noticed little black finger prints on my white kitchen table, I never noticed his fingers being that dirty, not sure how or what he would have gotten into to make them that way, but it made me giggle. I thought of how much my life has changed over the last year. How now when I clean I'm cleaning his mess, and cleaning just wouldn't be the same if I didn't have to wipe fingers prints off things I didn't even know could get finger prints on them! I then thought about how much joy it brings me to do things for him and how much joy just being his mother brings me. This must be happiness. This is the pure joy that comes after sorrow. I think of that saying you cannot experience pure joy without experiencing pure sorrow. I have had moments of sorrow and dispare, like many others, wondering what good could come from such sadness.. Well today I found out. This amount of joy and happiness and love is deffinetely worth the suffering! I'm sure I will experience more pain and suffering, but for now, it is my time to bask in the PURE JOY of mmotherhood!!

WICKED Play

On Wednesday I had the opportunity to go to Calgary and watch the Play WICKED with my girl friend. It was seriously so AWESOME!! I left Porter at home and drove up with a really good friend of mine. We got a hotel that was close to the Jubelle and stayed the night.

When I first left with no Porter I was a little upset. I had never left him for that long before and esspecially not over night. I may have shed a few tears on the way to get my friend. Once she was with me though and we started on our talking rampage (which never stopped until I dropped her off agian the next day) I was fine.

I so needed that girls night. I was so excited to go and so happy to be gone (as horrible as that sounds) but I was also so happy to be home with my baby once I got there.

The play itself was just undiscribably good!! If you ever have the chance to go see it DO! We had amazing seats too! We went in on a group buy and got center main floor seats that were AMAZING! only down part is I'm a wee bit short and needed a stool to see over the person infront of me. But I managed to see just fine. Im sure the person behind me thought I was a bobble head with how much I was moving to see!!

Over all it was a good night with a good friend and a good play!

A Woo-hoo day

At the end of each day right before bed I reflect on my day and usually I have one of two feelings, either I am satisfied with what I have accomplished and the time Porter and I spent together. Or I count all the things I didn't get done and the time I waisted. Mostly I have been feeling dissapointed in how my days have unraveled. I haven't been able to catch up on house work and it just throw my whole day.

But today was finally better!! And i owe it to Shawn, he helped me do dishes and clean up a bit last night so I would have time for other things today and it WORKED! We got up, went for a run, I got so much done during Porters first nap, then he got up and we played outside (his favorite place to be), he took another nap and I got more house work done and supper started and mostly in the oven before he woke up! I feel as if I am just running on a high! Everyday needs to go like this.

Annnndd Porter took his FIRST STEPS today! He is getting so big!!

So tonight before I fall asleep I will look back on today and the words that will go threw my head will be woo-hoo!!

Making This House a HOME

Shawn has been living in this house that we currently reside in for almost 5 years now. I have only been there since we got married almost a year and a half ago. It is a very nice House and I love it, the location is wonderful, it's nice a spacious just the way I like it, but it hasn't always felt like HOME. Which is a pretty normal feeling for me. Ever since I was 13 I don't think I have lived in the same house for more than a year, and not because my parents moved a lot, but because I was indecisive on where and whom I wanted to live. So being in the same house for more than a year is really an accomplishment for me!

So naturally, I figure it is about time to make this house my HOME. I just picked up a TON of paint samples from home depot and I've been looking to see what colors I want to paint the rooms in our house. I am thinking maybe a green/yellow combination in the bathroom and maybe a rich brown in our room and a blue in Porters room. The living room/kitchen is going to be the most difficult to decide on. I keep going back and forth between so many different color schemes!

I also want to get vinyl and stick sayings up on the walls, so I also need to find some good sayings. So much to decide on! It takes me a long time to make big decisions like this, but once I do, I know it is what I want.

That's about all I have figured out so far. But When more actually happen you'll be sure to know!

Now, for what we have been up too......

Not a whole bunch. ha ha. Porter is now 10 months!! Time has gone by so fast! We went to the Dr. a few weeks ago and he is slender 18lbs and 4oz, and 29in long.

Last week finally started to get warm with out much rain, the only other problem was the killer mosquitoes!! If we went out into the backyard we were swarmed! So much so that at one point last week I have 8 bites on one leg, 3 on the other, 2 on one hand, another on that same arm, and 2 on the other arm, with one on my back. For a grand total of 18 BITES!!! Boy was I itchy!! Porter was lucky and never got any bites. I am desperately hoping that the wind from last week blew most of them away!! (wishful thinking right).

On Saturday we all got to go out to the farm and visit with Grandma and Grandpa. It was a long day for little Porter but lots of fun. He went for a ride on the bike and just loved it!! He also loves our dog Winnie and if he could walk he would chase her around everywhere!! He would crawl after her but hates the feeling of grass.

Some days all I can say is thank goodness for friends! This last week hasn't been my best emotionally and my friends have been there all along the way. Taking me out for some scandalous shopping and dinner, talking to me till way past their bed time, and without knowing it, inviting our family over for dinner when I really didn't want to make anything. To all my friends who do things for me, THANK YOU!! And I love you!

For the one I love most in this world

I want to dedicate this blog to my husband, my one, my only, my soulmate.

Fathers day is a day to celebrate all the fathers in our lives and all that they do for us. This blog is about Shawn and all his awesomeness in being a father and a husband!

Shawn is awesome because he never complains when he gets home from a long day at work and porter and I are still in our pj's. He nevers complains when I don't clean the house. I'm actually the one who gets upset when the house isn't clean, Shawn will say to me, " don't be so hard on yourself, just do what you can." He is never upset when supper isn't made when he gets home.

Shawn is amazing because he works so hard at his business and on the farm so that one day he will be able to give us more than we need. He never complains that he is the sole breadwinner.

Shawn is the best because on mornings that he knows I am super tired, and when he has time he will get up with Porter and let me sleep in another hour or so. He also get Porter ready for church every Sunday so I can get myself ready and not feel so stressed. Shawn will also watch Porter during relief society because he knows I like to go and listen.

Shawn loves me so he let's me go to aqua fit with the girls a couple times a week when he is home.

Shawn is the best teady bear. He gives me the best hugs when I need them. Shawn makes sure he always says he loves me when he leaves the house.

Shawn makes me feel beautiful!

Shawn is always fast to forgive me. I am not perfect and tend to get overwhelmed easy. He listens to me rant, then in the best way he knows how he tries to help me see why I am being rash and tries to calm me down.

This morning I was making Shawn crepes for his fathers day breakfast, half way threw i started to get distracted with Porter. He picked up breakfast where I left off without a single word of complaint. He finished them perfectly and even thanked me for making them after!! I want to share a poem that I found and it just is everything that I would want to say.

My Blessing In Life
© Jessica L. Newsome
Every morning I wake up and see,
The most handsome man lying next to me.
He's the one I cherish and love,
A blessing sent from Heaven above.
I will love him as a faithful wife should,
And do everything for him I could.
I would let him know everyday,
That I love him more than words can say.
For the (son) we have together,
And the love for God in each other.
It will keep our love for each other strong,
And the Lord will guide us away from all wrong.

I tend to take the simple things in life for granted. My goal this year is to try and appreciate all the little things, especially all that my husband does for me.

"for you see, each day I love you more, today more than yesterday and less than tomorrow." Rosemonde Gerard.

I have some pictures that we took today that I was planning on sticking on this blog but I can't upload those pictures from my iPhone (I write my blog on my phone). So the pictures are soon to come.

Rain, Rain Go Away

These last few days all I keep thinking is rain, rain, go away, come again another day. Or more like maybe one day next month!! I mean I don't mind rain when it's accompanied with a thunderstorm and it just pours! But clouds all day long and just dribbles?? So depressing! Porter and I are basically stuck inside all day! We get uber bored. As soon as the sun comes out we race outside and try to play out there as long as possible before the clouds cover the sky again.

On another happier note, it's my birthday tomorrow!! Hurray! Although I'm not as excited as i have been the past years. Shawn is going to be gone all day and I have tons to do tomorrow and I'm sure it will be cloudy, AGAIN! Sigh. It is a little sad to think that I will be spending my 21 birthday cleaning and cooking and inside just like every other day.... BUT I do get to host a bachelorette party tomorrow night. A cowgirl themed one at that! Should be so much fun. Porter and I will just have our own little party in the morning!

Speaking of Porter, he is growing so fast! He now has 6 teeth, four on top and 2 on the bottom. Makes him look like a little boy and not my little baby anymore! Another sigh. He crawls so fast now and is almost walking. He pushes his little walk-behind car and waddles to get where he needs to be. I really can say he is my sunshine when these skies are grey. When he was very tiny I would always sing, " you are my sunshine, my precious sunshine, you make me happy when skies are grey, you'll never know dear, how much I love you, oohh please don't take my sunshine away". It was his favorite song. Almost makes me tear up. I didn't know any other words do I would sing that part over and over again. I still sing that song but mostly he just thinks I'm funny and laughs at me! Ha ha everything mommy does is funny, even when mommy says " Porter no, that's bad" those are extra funny words apparently!

Funny story, this morning Shawn wanted to see what Porter would do if he saw us wrestle. At first he didn't care, just looked at us then went bak to banging on the window. Then Shawn got me to the ground and I was pinned. I called to Porter " help! Help! Daddy's got me!" I got his attention then. He sat down crawled over to me and then sat right by my head and started laughing and smacking me on the face. Ya not the reaction I was hoping for!! He is already taking dads side, GREAT!!!

Anyway, I feel better now! Whoo, liking this whole blog thing!

My purpose in writting

I have wanted to create a blog for awhile now, I just never took the time and was a little nervous of how it would turn out. This past sunday however, we had a lesson in relief society about talents and it really inspired me to create this blog. I use to write all the time and I loved it.

 I have several goals in mind when wriiting this. First I want to keep our family and friends who are spread out everywhere up to date on the things we are doing. I also want it to be a place where I can write my thoughts and feelings on issues and situations. I have always found writting and reading to be very relaxing. I do TONS of reading, so now is my time to start writting again. I'm not the best with grammar or getting what is in my head out. So we will see where this blog takes us! And lastly I'm hoping that our life experiences can inspire others the way others have inspired me.

Wish me luck!!